Stranded

AT RISE: Robert and Grape, two 26 year old men sit on a deserted beach. Their clothes are in tatters and their wrecked rowboat lies in pieces on the shoreline. Behind them is a thicket of palm trees and vines. ROBERT Oh my god. GRAPE Are we dead? Is this heaven? ROBERT If I’m dead, and I’m still stuck with you, I’ll kill myself. GRAPE How will you kill yourself if you’re already dead, dumbass? ROBERT I don’t know, maybe there are layers to dying... like Inception. GRAPE Dying is like injecting your semen into a woman? ROBERT No, INCEPTION. The film. It’s a film. You’ve never seen Inception? GRAPE Dude I don’t have cable. ROBERT It’s not... you know what? Shut up. GRAPE See that’s exactly how I know it’s not heaven. God doesn’t let assholes like you into heaven because you’d just fuck things up for everyone else. He’s probably already tired of your shit here on earth. (Mocking) Ooh look at me, I’m Richard and I’m better than everyone because I have cable! ROBERT It’s not on cable! It’s on DVD! You get the fucking DVD! GRAPE Oh so now you’re going to lord DVDs over me too? ROBERT Never mind, just... never mind. We’ve got more pressing problems, like where the fuck are we? That storm completely trashed our boat. Look at it. He gestures to the broken pieces. Grape studies the boat. GRAPE Yup, it’s broken. ROBERT Yeah thanks, I couldn’t tell. We’re stranded on a deserted island, what do we do now? GRAPE Is that a trick question? ROBERT What? GRAPE It’s a deserted island. What the fuck is there to do? We sit here until someone picks us up, or we die. If we die, at least we’ll die tan. ROBERT Speak for yourself. We’ve got to do something! Look at those clouds, I think another storm is on the way. We need to build shelter, find food, drink... Grape gets up and walks over to the boat. Robert stands and watches him. Grape rummages around the boat and fishes out an empty tuna can. He places it in the sand carefully and unzips his pants. ROBERT What the hell are you doing? GRAPE Is that a trick question? ROBERT Grape, I swear to god. GRAPE I’m taking care of the drink. ROBERT What! GRAPE Dude I watched enough survival shows to know that the best thing to do in a situation like this is to drink your piss. Bear Grylls does it all the time, and Robert, I think he would know. The dude can never seem to find civilization. ROBERT Grape, those shows are bullshit! There’s probably a producer right off camera waiting with a water bottle and sunscreen every time they cut. Besides, those shows hold no cultural value whatsoever, you probably get dumber watching them... Grape, how did you watch Bear Grylls' show if you never had cable? Grape shrugs and zips his pants back up. GRAPE Internet. ROBERT And I bet you’ve never heard of streaming. GRAPE What does it look like I’m trying to do here? You wont let me stream. ROBERT Just... forget about it. The sun’s really beating down here. We need to get into that forest. Can you tell the difference between edible berries and poison ones? GRAPE Me? What do I look like to you? See I grew up in Indiana, the only thing I can tell the difference between is a tractor and a combine. ROBERT Your name is Grape. Aren’t your parents some kind of hippy tree huggers? You guys didn’t eat berries with your flower soup? GRAPE Dude my parents named me Grape because that was my mom’s favorite fruit. They were actually pretty conservative. My dad made me wear the same shirt for the first twelve years of my life. He said I would just outgrow a new one. ROBERT I don’t think that’s what conservative means. GRAPE Yeah, and inception isn’t injecting semen into females. ROBERT It’s not! GRAPE Don’t believe everything they tell you on cable, dude. ROBERT Have I mentioned that I fucking hate you? GRAPE Yeah, but I don’t think you really mean it. ROBERT Ok listen, I didn’t take that shitty purser’s job so that I could die out here with you. I’ve got plans, man. I promised my girl a ring, and I intend to make good. So we need to see if there is anything else on this island that can help us survive. We don’t even know how big it is. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll go down by those rocks and see if I can see any signs of human activity. You go up to the forest and see how far it stretches. GRAPE Yeah I’m not really familiar with stretching. I was never very flexible. I think I’d need a ruler to measure how far- ROBERT Grape. Go. See. How. Big. The. Forest. Is. GRAPE Yeah I don’t know... Have you seen Life of Pi? There might be a tiger hiding out in those trees, and you’re clearly much smarter than me. I think you should go. ROBERT No I uh... I didn’t have cable. Since you know how it ends, you’ll deal better in a crisis. If anything bad happens, drink your piss. Now go! Grape walks stage right and stares off into the distance, while Robert walks stage left and stares. They both return to the middle after a pause. ROBERT Did you find anything? GRAPE Yeah I found this weird looking leaf. I’m pretty sure it’s poison ivy. What do you think? He holds up a leaf and Robert jumps back. ROBERT Don’t touch me with that! I mean did you find anything human, man-made, footprints, anything? GRAPE No, just a mirage. ROBERT A mirage? GRAPE Yeah there was this hut made out of wood, with a campfire, and this guy was sitting there cooking something, he saw me and smiled. He seemed nice... but then I thought, this whole thing looks wavy. Like I said, a mirage. He makes a wave motion with his arms. ROBERT You talked... to a mirage? GRAPE Yeah. I thought it was weird at first, but then I just decided to roll with it. I mean, that could be normal here. It could be one of those weird islands, like on Lost. ROBERT How the fuck did you watch Lost! You don’t have- you know what, I don’t care. I. Don’t. Care. GRAPE Yeah see, I don’t remember there really being any mirages in Lost, so I guess this island isn’t that much like it. ROBERT You can’t talk to a fucking mirage! You can’t interact with it at all! It’s just light playing tricks on your eyes. If you spoke with the man, then it’s not a mirage! GRAPE Pretty sure it was, it was wavy. ROBERT What was? GRAPE The whole image. ROBERT Was it... was it coming from the campfire? GRAPE Is that a trick question? ROBERT How could that be a trick question!? GRAPE (Slowly) Because it was a mirage, so there was no campfire. ROBERT This must be hell. I’ve got to be dead. Robert runs stage right to the forest, leaving Grape standing there. He runs back after a moment. Grape’s positioning is the same. ROBERT You idiot! Those waves are heat waves from the fire! The cabin, the campfire, they’re all there! It’s not a mirage! GRAPE What about the man? ROBERT There was no man. GRAPE Is that a trick statement? ROBERT Shut up! Robert sinks into the sand and massages his eyes. Grape regards him. Jesús, a man dressed in rags and with long hair and a scraggly beard enters from the forest and walks up behind them. JESÚS Hello. Robert jumps to his feet and whirls around. ROBERT Jesus! JESÚS Jesús. GRAPE Jesus? ROBERT Who the hell are you? JESÚS Jesús. GRAPE Jesus!? The mirage man is Jesus! Holy shit this is Heaven! So why the hell are you still here, Robert? ROBERT Grape, he’s not Jesus. JESÚS (Booming) Jesús! Grape falls to his knees and clasps his hands together in prayer. ROBERT His name is Jesús, like Hey-Zeus, not Jesus, he’s probably Mexican. JESÚS Colombian! ROBERT Ok, stop yelling. JESÚS (Whispered) Colombian. ROBERT Yeah? Well I am damn glad to see you. From the looks of you, you’ve been here a while. Managed to keep some weight too. You’re a survivor. I think we’re going to be ok. Where did you come from? GRAPE From the mirage! JESÚS From my village. ROBERT There’s a village here? JESÚS Yes. Just past the trees. ROBERT Oh my god, we’re not alone! How did you know we were here? JESÚS Your friend told me. I see you’ve been washed ashore in the storm. ROBERT You have no idea how long we’ve been stuck at sea before that. Of all the housekeeping staff to get in my lifeboat, I got this idiot. He gestures to Grape, who is still bent down in prayer. GRAPE Jesus doesn’t like a bully. Jesús takes him by the arm and raises him to his feet. JESÚS Please, there is no need for that. GRAPE As selfless in death as he was in life. ROBERT Jesús, it sounds like you’ve been here for a long time. Do you by any chance know where in the world we are? JESÚS Colombia. ROBERT Colombia? This isn’t an island? JESÚS No. GRAPE It’s heaven, moron. ROBERT Oh thank god, we’re not in the middle of nowhere. This is the best news I’ve had all day! Can you take us to your village? JESÚS Yes of course. Follow me. The three of them turn and walk back towards the forest. Jesús stops suddenly, and turns back to Robert and Grape. ROBERT What’s the matter? ROBERT I trust you have passports? ROBERT What? JESÚS You have entered a new country, yes? We require you to have a passport for entry. GRAPE Oh no. My passport’s expired. I didn’t know you needed one to get into heaven! Can I get like a worker’s visa or something? Please Jesus! ROBERT Dude! We’ve washed ashore. We don’t have any food or water! We’ll die out here! JESÚS So sorry, but rules are rules. You may stay here until you have the proper documents for entry. The beach is no man’s land. ROBERT God dammit! GRAPE Smooth dude, right in front of our Lord and Savior. ROBERT Shut up! Jesús, can we at least use the hut in the forest? The one with the campfire? JESÚS Oh that... that is a mirage. ROBERT What! GRAPE Told you. JESÚS Yes, crazy shit. All wavy. It’s like Lost or something. A pause. Robert looks visibly broken. ROBERT I’m in hell. This really is hell. Who knew hell was in fucking South America. He walks past Jesús and Grape back towards the center of the stage and sits down in the sand, looking out at the sea. Jesús and Grape stand awkwardly together. GRAPE So Jesus, I always wondered, did you really part the Red Sea with your hands, or did you use like, a really big bucket? JESÚS That wasn’t- ROBERT (Sullen) Don’t argue with him. It’s best to just shut up and accept it. Jesús looks at Robert, then back at Grape. He shakes his head and turns, walking back off the way he came, back into the forest. Grape shrugs his shoulders. GRAPE Oh, ok. I get it, it’s a secret. He sits down next to Robert. GRAPE Makes sense. If he told people, then anyone could do it. I bet it was a bucket. CURTAIN.

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